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Thursday, 26 June 2008

Sunday, 01 April 2007

  • Currently Listening
    What Are You Waiting For?
    By FM Static
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    update

    well i decided to update this beast since i haven't since jan. 17 the guy i spoke of in my last post is a friend nothing came of it but that's ok i like the friendship. Since January i've gotten baptized that happened on March 4,2007 that was a huge milestone in my life. i 've learned that relying on God is the only i'm gunna get through this. These past few days have been rough though. The littlest things just trigger my to think ALOT. My sister doesn't hang  out with me much anymore and it kills me. I miss home so bad. These past few days i wish i was still young and didn't have to worry about what my feelings meant, i didn't have to be responsible, and i didn't have to worry about what i eat or how much i exercise. Tonite i had a mini breakdown that i stopped it before i completely blew up cuz i was at dinner. I just dont get it. I know i need to rely on God but tonight just really made me think. And i know i'm reading into this  like crazy. But maybe the reason i dont have a guy and that no guys like me is cuz i'm really suppose to be single. Tonite a guy gave all these random girls flowers that he didn't even know each of them got roses i was sitting there as well. Did he give me one nope :( at that moment i felt worthless and invisible. The guy still having roses in his handed turned around and walked away. What is it? I dont understand? I know that i need to be patient cuz if i really am suppose to be married God will put HIM in my life at the right time but what is wrong what am i doing wrong that i dont deserve a simple flower, not only just the flower but all of it. But i did realize that if i am single i can be a wedding planner so that i can see alot of weddings since i wont be having one of my own. And i can hold there bouquet of flowers since i wont ever have one to call my own. Please dont think i'm crazy i've just been thinking alot and decided to write it somewhere. I am going to go read ALOT in the Bible and pray and seek God's advice for me cuz i so desperatly need and want His help and His guidance.

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

  • puzzle fits

    well the long week is half way over. I worked things out where needed. Now i just want to get back to finally meet a guy that has made and smile, laugh like never before, blush, and just feel  worth it.

    i have grown so much spriritually over break that i can't even begin to talk about it.

    But everday i thank God for the friends he has put in my life.

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Thursday, 04 January 2007

  • being away has made me think

    being away from school has really got me thinking. A boy played a joke on me but really got me thinking. I haven't talked really to anyone from school since i left and it sucks. I haven't talked to one of me really good friends and actually had a realy conversation since i've been home and it sucks. It's like because i'm not around them there is no need to talk to me. Like the group of friends that i have are just a lil more than aquaintances there my friends when there around me and that is it. I've gone through alot while i was at school and i'm glad that i was there when it all happened but alot has happened while i have been home and no one has been there for me. The all live far away and dont answer there phones.Or they finally call me back days later and they sound so happy that i don't say a word. I feel as though i have lost 3 of my closest friends. Were friends when were around each other but as soon as we leave poof gone. The relationships that were made between friends yup those stay strong and grow stronger but the friendships that they had with me just poof. Christmas was so hard it was my grandfather's last. When he was diagnosed with his lung cancer not even a month ago they said this was his last. My mom is still recovering from her stomach sickness she had that the Stupid doctors still dont know what it was. My mom and my dad are still fighting and the stress for me to make everyone happy is stronger than ever. If i provide entertainment for people by them constently making jokes on me and it makes them laugh and be happy then that's all that matters right. I lie in bed at nite wondering...wondering while everyone is out with there friends or on the phone with there other or there friend where would i be if i was like that. I will never know. Someone once pointed out to me that i was a joke my life was a joke and i'm starting to see it. I'm doing terrible in school, my parents are growing more and more distant, my family is dying off, my lil sister wants me out of the house, my friends are aquaintances that keep me around cuz i make them laugh. i dont understand any of this. Today i looked into the New York Art Instiute Photography program it's huge. There sending me the catalog and an application. I was invited to there open house last year and my mom didn't let me go. I don't know what i want if i don't do well with visual arts i dont know what i'll do with my life. Right now i'm looking at a  career of magazine design with me in my office i won't be known i'll work behind the scenes i'll be the one in my office till late. Then off to my apartment. I'll reach in flick the switch on as my doggie and farret greet me with happiness. I'll toss my keys on the table and grab a left over that i made awhile ago and hope that it's still good. I'll take a shower and then climb into bed. Sounds decent...but this is all overwhelming and a big blurr im not sure what to do or where to go. I am looking to God but i'm not getting a response. I feel like spiritually i am looking to him but yet in circles all at the same time i can't even begin to try to explain it.

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feltXinXtheheart

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    • Name: Nicole
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 10/9/2006

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  • i'm crazy and love to have fun age:18 hair: red height:5'4 favorite color: blue : i <3 bright colors siblings:2 home: don't get along with my parents faith: I <3 GOD! personality: open : outgoing : crazy me: ticklish : i <3 to laugh fears: dark : needles : spiders and snakes :clowns i love: cuddling : HUGS : the rain : laying under the stars : chocolate : dancing in the rain : dancing(even though i can't) sports: volleyball

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