I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

well the long week is half way over. I worked things out where needed. Now i just want to get back to finally meet a guy that has made and smile, laugh like never before, blush, and just feel  worth it.

i have grown so much spriritually over break that i can't even begin to talk about it.

But everday i thank God for the friends he has put in my life.

being away from school has really got me thinking. A boy played a joke on me but really got me thinking. I haven't talked really to anyone from school since i left and it sucks. I haven't talked to one of me really good friends and actually had a realy conversation since i've been home and it sucks. It's like because i'm not around them there is no need to talk to me. Like the group of friends that i have are just a lil more than aquaintances there my friends when there around me and that is it. I've gone through alot while i was at school and i'm glad that i was there when it all happened but alot has happened while i have been home and no one has been there for me. The all live far away and dont answer there phones.Or they finally call me back days later and they sound so happy that i don't say a word. I feel as though i have lost 3 of my closest friends. Were friends when were around each other but as soon as we leave poof gone. The relationships that were made between friends yup those stay strong and grow stronger but the friendships that they had with me just poof. Christmas was so hard it was my grandfather's last. When he was diagnosed with his lung cancer not even a month ago they said this was his last. My mom is still recovering from her stomach sickness she had that the Stupid doctors still dont know what it was. My mom and my dad are still fighting and the stress for me to make everyone happy is stronger than ever. If i provide entertainment for people by them constently making jokes on me and it makes them laugh and be happy then that's all that matters right. I lie in bed at nite wondering...wondering while everyone is out with there friends or on the phone with there other or there friend where would i be if i was like that. I will never know. Someone once pointed out to me that i was a joke my life was a joke and i'm starting to see it. I'm doing terrible in school, my parents are growing more and more distant, my family is dying off, my lil sister wants me out of the house, my friends are aquaintances that keep me around cuz i make them laugh. i dont understand any of this. Today i looked into the New York Art Instiute Photography program it's huge. There sending me the catalog and an application. I was invited to there open house last year and my mom didn't let me go. I don't know what i want if i don't do well with visual arts i dont know what i'll do with my life. Right now i'm looking at a  career of magazine design with me in my office i won't be known i'll work behind the scenes i'll be the one in my office till late. Then off to my apartment. I'll reach in flick the switch on as my doggie and farret greet me with happiness. I'll toss my keys on the table and grab a left over that i made awhile ago and hope that it's still good. I'll take a shower and then climb into bed. Sounds decent...but this is all overwhelming and a big blurr im not sure what to do or where to go. I am looking to God but i'm not getting a response. I feel like spiritually i am looking to him but yet in circles all at the same time i can't even begin to try to explain it.